My Soul Journey

We spend a lot of time concerned about how external circumstances in our life make us feel (how the people in our lives act, how much stress we have in our jobs, the amount of money we have or don’t have, the state of the world, etc).  We probably spend much less time examining what our inner dialogue with ourselves looks like.  And yet it is the thoughts we have and the stories we tell ourselves about our life that creates our reality and drives most of our behaviors.  What is the inner monologue you have running in your head about yourself?  You may or may not notice it because it’s become so much a part of who you are and how you relate to yourself. 

Honestly examining how I relate to myself has not been easy or pleasant.  It was painful for me to observe that one of the major schemas I had running my life was a harsh inner critic that constantly drove me to do more and better.  This inner slave-driver was never satisfied.  It demanded perpetual striving that was often met with criticism or judgment, leaving me with feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy.  There was a constant feeling of falling short.  This hole in my wholeness would never be filled by doing more or better, but I didn’t know that.  My inner critic falsely convinced me that if I performed better and pleased others enough, then I would earn their love, approval, admiration, acceptance, etc.  I even applied the same approach to my own self-improvement, believing that when I finally figured myself out and fixed all my flaws, then I would feel better.  This strategy works up to a point, until you realize you still have to encounter yourself every day.  

It has taken me awhile to understand that cultivating my own wholeness is a lifelong process rather than a destination, and how I treat myself along the way makes all the difference.  A cornerstone of coming into right relationship with myself is practicing unconditional self love and acceptance.  I remind myself, multiple times a day, that this is how I want to relate to myself.  Each time I find myself slipping into a critical or disparaging mode, I gently remind myself to return to unconditional self love and acceptance.  This means accepting that even after years of therapy and self-development work, I still have remnants of that inner critic show up, especially in how I parent my kids.  I am still learning how to unconditionally love and accept myself even more, so that I can show up as more of myself.  My journey has become less about achieving something and more about becoming who I am.  It is a welcome relief to surrender to the truth that I am good enough just as I am right now in this moment.  

How can you practice unconditional self love and acceptance?  Are there ways you can be kinder, gentler, and more patient with yourself?  Go ahead and give yourself a big hug just for being who you are.

My son and I had trouble sleeping last night.  We woke up in the middle of the night with nasal congestion and sore throats and couldn’t fall back asleep.  I normally try to insulate myself from news and media and the craziness of what is going on in the world as a way to maintain my own sense of calm and balance.  But today my body is telling me I can no longer ignore the effects of the smoke and worsening air quality from the Camp Fire that continues to rage 100 miles north of us here in Northern California. 

I journeyed for guidance on how I can best be of service in this situation.  I was shown that Gaia, our Mother Earth, is urgently alerting us to address the ways we are living that are injuring her and ourselves.  Gaia is an organism, just like our own bodies.  Our bodies manifest physical symptoms, such as heartburn and stomach ulcers, in response to our lifestyle choices.  Gaia is manifesting symptoms that reflect the choices of our collective humanity.  The increasing incidence of wildfires in California (and natural disasters around the world) is Gaia showing us that we can not continue to subdue the symptoms (put out the fires) without examining on a deeper level the underlying roots of the imbalance. 

Every system reaches a tipping point.  Humanity has reached ours.  If humans continue to live the way we are living now, we will join the list of extinct species.  Gaia will go on.  She knows how to restore herself.  She has been through Ice Ages and massive planetary extinctions, and new forms of life come back.  It is us humans, the 7.7 billion of us, and the choices we make, that are the current underlying problem with planet Earth. 

We can get overwhelmed by the daunting nature of the task that lies before us.  Or we can remain hopeful that if we are the problem, then we can also change and find our way back towards greater balance and harmony with ourselves and the world we live in.  Where to begin?  Start with the one person you have the greatest control over – yourself.  Ask yourself honestly, how are you contributing, or not contributing, to the current status quo?  Are there little, or big, changes you can make in your life to shift the current direction of humanity?  Our grace period is quickly running out.  I can tell just by stepping outside and smelling the air.

If I could identify the hardest part of following one’s soul’s path, it would be the process of continually moving towards the unknown.  The decision to live your life guided by something as intangible as your soul requires a huge leap of faith and letting go of what you thought your life was going to look like.  I stood on that ledge of security and familiarity for a good while, looking out at the possibilities that awaited me, but unsure if I could make the leap.  I rationalized that I had spent a lot of time and effort climbing up this rock, was I sure I was ready to just jump off it?  Couldn’t I find a way to make myself happy staying here on this ledge, enjoying the view?  Part of me wish I could be satisfied with that, it would make my life a lot easier.  But if I really listened to my heart, I knew I couldn’t stay there.  

Deciding to leave my last contract job and strike out completely on my own professional path was a leap of faith.  I was terrified of the unknown.  And yet here I was, willingly stepping away from what was safe, secure, and known to something unknown.  I observed my physical, emotional, and thought responses to that decision.  For weeks, I felt anxiety in my chest and had trouble sleeping.  My mind bombarded me with concerns about security, stability, what others would think of me, and most importantly, whether I could really trust myself.  Could I trust that I had the courage and capacity to take this leap and manage whatever I might encounter?  Could I trust that the universe would provide me with what I needed to continue on this path?  

In between those moments of fear and doubt, I also noticed a growing sense of freedom, lightness, and possibility.  I was excited and fired up by the novel idea of my life being an adventure with me at the helm, leading me to places I had not planned on visiting.  I was surprised to experience the not knowing was what actually made me feel really alive.  I noticed how much of my life had fallen into somewhat of an auto-pilot, a routine that was safe, comfortable, and predictable.  By design, I had engineered my life to minimize the unknown.  What would it now be like to befriend the unknown and embrace it, not as something to be feared, but as a sign that I am moving more towards the life I am meant to live?  What if the inevitable fear and anxiety that accompanies the unknown is a clue to keep on going, rather than turn back?

What are you ready to leap towards in your life right now?