My Soul Journey

As I walk around my neighborhood and observe the tree buds just starting to push their way out towards spring, I am reminded of the undeniable laws of nature. For a tree or plant to grow, for a flower to blossom, at some point, a seed had to first be planted. While it is true that not all seeds sprout, it is even more true that ALL of the seeds you don’t plant will never break ground. Different seeds have different germination times and optimal conditions for air, temperature, moisture, and light for them to develop into their full potential. Even after they break ground, these seedlings are still vulnerable little beings that require attention and care to assure their survival.

It is a common Buddhist analogy to view one’s life as a garden with attention paid to what seeds one has planted, what seeds one waters and nurtures, and what seeds have grown into weeds that have taken over so much ground that there is little room for new growth. I have been tending to my inner garden for a long time, and while I still get impatient waiting for the beautiful flowers to bloom, I can recognize that it takes time to clear out the weeds and rocks, to properly prepare the soil, and to plant the seeds I wish to see blossom. I also have to honor the cycle of the seasons and not drive myself crazy wanting a seed to sprout or a flower to bloom in the dead of winter.

I feel good about what this spring will bring. I have weeded out seeds of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity (although I’m sure I have missed a few). I have planted seeds of trust, beauty, ease, gratitude, love, and joy and I water these seeds with my attention every day, supporting and encouraging them to grow and bloom. I now know that maintaining a garden requires constant care and nurturance, and that it is the continual process of tending to your own inner garden, weeding, re-planting, and watering that eventually leads to the flower blooming. I admit that I still find myself attached to wanting to see the flower bloom rather than being patient with the entire process. But the flower blooming is only a part of the cycle, in fact, it may be the shortest part. The health and vitality of a garden is measured not just by how many blooms it produces and for how long, but by how it functions in concert with itself and the larger ecosystem around it. So as spring makes its way to us, ask yourself, what seeds will you be planting this season?

If someone were to ask me a year ago to look at the ways I had given my power away, I would have no idea what they were talking about. What does giving my power away mean? It means examining all the ways in my life where I am still playing the victim and placing blame and responsibility for my own happiness and satisfaction on others and external circumstances. If I am frustrated or dissatisfied with something in my life, then taking my power back first means taking full responsibility for my own feelings and my own authority to make changes. This has been as much a humbling as well as a liberating process.

One major area of my life where I am still working on taking back my power is in my professional life. If I am honest, I will admit that I have been dissatisfied with the world of medicine ever since I started out as a pre-medical student over 20 years ago. Now those feelings of discontent or unease have not always been so easy to notice, acknowledge, or even accept as true. There were so many rationalizations I told myself, “This is just how it is, this is what it takes to become/be a doctor, look at all these people around me sucking it up and doing it, stop complaining, I should be grateful,” etc etc. I now recognize all those concessions I made to medicine were at the expense of that little girl inside of me that knew something wasn’t quite right. That the hierarchical structure of medicine, the competition it takes to even become a doctor, and the grueling dehumanizing process of medical training and practice pretty much made my soul go underground. Now of course it wasn’t all bad, there was the pride in donning the white coat and stethoscope, the respect that I received from others, and ultimately the honor of learning about the human body and holding another person’s suffering in my hands. That is still the sacred act of being a physician that deeply resonates with me, the holding of another’s experience, with the intent of relieving their pain and suffering. But so much of the true intent and spirit of being a physician has been lost in the “practice” of medicine which has now become more of a product and a service rather than a sacred communion.

So I am noticing the ways in which I have been giving my power away to the practice of medicine instead of taking back my power as a physician. The word physician comes from the Latin root physica which means the study of the nature of things. The words physician and physicist share the same origins. A physicist studies the nature of the universe and how it behaves. A physician takes those understandings of nature and applies them to the art and practice of healing disease and suffering. This is why I became a physician, to understand why humans suffer, and to help relieve that suffering. This definition of being a physician still makes the little girl in me sing. Instead of spending my time being frustrated at how medicine or psychiatry is currently being practiced (giving my power away), I will invest my time, energy, and soul in learning how to truly become the physician I want to be. I don’t have a road map for that yet, because how could someone else know exactly what would satisfy my unique soul’s longing? I can’t give my power away again by looking for answers outside of myself. I have to look within and honor the little girl inside me who has now become a woman who has the power to control her own destiny, and by honoring her, I will honor my soul contract.

As I become more comfortable on my journey of personal growth and inner transformation, I am aware that the journey has been anything but comfortable. In fact, it is impossible to grow and transform while staying in one’s comfort zone. Now why would anyone willingly choose to get uncomfortable? It has been programmed and conditioned into us to work hard to create a secure life so that we will not have to experience discomfort – physically, financially, emotionally, socially. We create a nice little box around who we are, what we do, the roles we are supposed to play and hope that that story line will bring us all the satisfaction we have been promised.

I played that game for most of my life. I really wanted to believe in the promise of that game. I sacrificed most of my young adulthood preparing for, enduring, and recovering from playing that game of achievement and success. And yet, even with all that security around me, I still felt a sense of discomfort or unease. I found some temporary comfort by labelling myself as someone with anxiety who needed to get “treatment” for that underlying feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was blessed to have worked with wonderful therapists, bodyworkers, and many healing professionals along the way, and I know that they were all important parts of my journey.

But as I have gotten to know my true self more and more, I want to share the deep truth that nothing has ever been wrong with me. The truest and purest part of myself is that innocent, joyful, enthusiastic, hopeful, playful, and emotional little girl who loves the ocean and being outside in nature, and who can’t help herself from always speaking her heart, even when others may not be able to hear it. That beautiful little girl inside of me has been waiting a long time to come back out and have her time in the sun. What has felt “uncomfortable” in my life is how that little girl has been ignored, been told to behave a certain way, and to live her life within certain constraints.

So now that I am liberating that little girl inside of me, she might start doing and saying things that will make make her and those around her feel uncomfortable. Can I really do that? Can I really say that? Do I really get to decide how I want to live my life? People are scared of discomfort, especially emotional discomfort. They are scared of how vulnerable they will reveal themselves to be, of risking rejection and disapproval by those that they love and who love them. I am here to tell you that it’s ok, it’s all ok, we are all ok. In fact, the more of us that can break free from the fear of uncovering, knowing, and showing our true selves, the more of us there will be to love each other for who we really are.

I am just now resurfacing after a deep dive for the past ten days into the profound depths of my physical and emotional body. My mind is still trying to process and make sense of what happened, while on another level, my body knows that the mind sometimes needs to be completely bypassed for deep transformation and healing.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been experiencing intense physical and emotional sensations of fatigue, weakness, body aching and trembling, sadness and withdrawal over the past week and a half. I have been actively engaging in the practice of somatic archaeology, excavating the stored memories, traumas, and gifts hidden within the recesses of my own body. I thought I had learned how to listen, trust, and surrender, but nothing prepared me for the suddenness and intensity of this last archaeological “dig.” Previously, uncomfortable emotions or physical sensations would pass within a few hours or even a few days. But this time, the discomfort lasted over a week, testing my faith in the process. My husband was worried that I was becoming clinically depressed (whatever that means), but I knew that wasn’t true. Yes, I was feeling extreme heaviness and sadness, but I wasn’t depressed. I knew that some deeper process was going on that I had to surrender to, even if I could not make any logical or intellectual sense of it. I intuitively knew that my body was releasing something very old, very deep, and very heavy, and as my friend said to me, if it wasn’t released, it would stay stuck in my energetic field forever. And so I continued to trust and surrender, trying to take care of myself and my family as best as I could while I allowed my body the time, space, and attention that it needed to do its work.

I noticed my mind becoming impatient, wanting to figure out what the hell was going on, when it would be over, and what the point of it all was. I tried not to give my mind too much air time during this process. Lots of quiet alone time, talking with people who could understand what I was going through, eating well, soothing music, flower essences, swimming, yoga, walking in nature, and rest, were the key ingredients I used to support myself through the process. During the intense discomfort, the messages I received from my body and the universe were to slow down, not rush, don’t force, trust myself and my process, let the body lead, get out of my head.

And then, yesterday in yoga, I finally felt myself resurface. I had had moments of peace and clarity in the days prior, but I knew I wasn’t out of the woods yet. Yesterday, I clearly felt myself re-emerge from whatever depths I had been submerged in. I felt awash in love, gratitude, and awe for my body and how it is a divine vessel for my life experience. I was aware that if I had resisted the experience, it would have made it worse. My mind is still not exactly sure what happened this past week, but it doesn’t matter. What was the prized pearl I found during my deep dive? My body, with all of its innate wisdom, will guide me exactly where I need to go, as long as I trust and surrender to it. My mind needs to let my body lead.

I was sitting with a young college student in session today and he was sharing how in his sociology class he and his classmates were discussing how money and power are at the root of most of our global problems. I felt such hope and gratitude in my heart that young people like this young man can see so clearly the roots of humanity’s problems and how they will be the leaders of the future directing humanity down a different path.

As I seek to step into more power and leadership in my own life, I have been reflecting on how the current construct of power has to be redefined. Currently, our society has a narrow definition of power, based around external measures of wealth, success, fame, strength, military, and political control. Power is concentrated in the hands of very few and is achieved through a hierarchical system of competition, comparison, and domination over others. The paths to achieving power and success make people feel like they need to work harder, better, and faster than others so that they can keep up, not fall behind, and claim their piece of the prize. To show weakness and vulnerability is to lose your power. This entire construct is what has made us and our planet completely out of balance and ill.

The new style of power and leadership that is being called forth in our current times is not an external measure of success, but a personal empowerment, a process whereby I grant myself the permission and authority to fully embody all parts of myself, the strong parts and the softer parts, the bold parts and the quiet parts, the confident parts and the scared parts. It is a power that does not seek glory or approval from others, but an opportunity to fully express itself in all its own glory, imperfections and all, and thereby empower others to do the same.

I made a Youtube video for the first time this past week as a way to step into my power as a voice for Gaia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-q1mGecs04&t=1102s I felt truly in my power in that video, embodying a part of myself that I know to be true and pure. I was on a high for most of that day, feeling so good about myself having the confidence to speak my truth and share it with others. And then, out of nowhere, I was slammed by massive shadow work. My body felt tired and fatigued. I tried to rest and just chalk it up to overexertion. But then the sensations evolved and feelings of sadness and vulnerability arose. I couldn’t even clearly define the source or root of these feelings. My body felt physically vulnerable, weak and trembling, like my nervous system needed to be held and soothed. It has been disconcerting and uncomfortable to allow these experiences to move through me, but I know it is a necessary process to release and integrate those parts of myself that have long been held under the surface by my desire to be seen as strong and competent. I can’t fast-forward through or deny these stages of vulnerability. One of my spirit animals is the hawk, a raptor known for its fearlessness and confidence. And yet, that hawk was also once a baby bird, just learning how to become the powerful bird it is capable of. Today, I feel like that baby bird, raw, delicate, and vulnerable, and that can be powerful too.

For the past four months, I have been actively engaged in a practice of somatic archaeology, a process of unearthing the stories, memories, traumas, and innate healing potential stored in the tissues of my own body. The specific term and techniques of Somatic Archaeology were developed by Dr. Ruby Gibson, but the wisdom of looking to our own bodies as the record keeper for our current and past lives, our connection to our ancestral and spiritual lineages, and the instruction manual for how to heal ourselves, is not new. Just like Mother Earth stores the record of her own long geologic history in the layers of her soil, rocks, crystals and waters, we can view our bodies as archaeological sites to be excavated to reveal the truths that have been stored there for us to discover when we are ready for them.

I have uncovered several of my own past lives, the deep pain and heaviness of my ancestral lines, as well as the powerful wisdom and knowledge that my body has been lovingly safekeeping for me for a very long time, waiting until the time is right. And today, if I listen to my body, she is telling me that she is tired and needs to rest. In our society where we are so action-oriented, we often forget that resting is one of the best healing tools we have, if we allow ourselves permission to do so. It is no coincidence that as I was receiving my body’s very clear message to me today that I needed to rest, my mind was trying to convince me otherwise. There is no shortage of activities I could occupy my day with – errands to run, chores to do, phone calls to return, taxes to start, etc, etc, etc. And then where would that leave me? My ego might feel good that I had accomplished items on my to-do list, but my body and the wisdom it wants to share with me would again go neglected. How long have I already betrayed my body’s patient cries to be listened to? I have to make a conscious choice of non-violence towards my body to honor her need to rest, to be still, to do nothing. By doing so, I tell her that I care about her, that I am listening to her, that she is far more wise than I am, and I am here to learn from her. My body is my temple and I need look no further than her to find all that I seek.

Ever since I was a young girl, I have been anxious about public speaking. I shy away from the spotlight. I fear being the center of attention. In group settings, I usually wait until everyone else has spoken up before I raise my hand to share what I have to say through a pounding heart. It has taken me a long time to find my voice and I am still working on building confidence in speaking it. Starting this blog and sharing my written words has been one step in that direction. As I have gotten more comfortable with this modality, I am aware that fear still holds me back from stepping into a bigger role in my life.

I wake up most mornings with sweaty palms and feet and a vague sense of anxiety. I have tried to ask myself, my body, and my inner guidance for a long time, what is this anxiety trying to tell me. This morning, on my yoga mat, perhaps because I was finally ready to hear it, I was gifted with my answer. My higher self told me that the anxiety I feel most mornings is a sign that I have not fully stepped into my power. Do you know how it’s natural to get anxious before some performance or event, but then the anxiety abates after it’s over? Well my anxiety hasn’t abated yet because I have not fully stepped into what I am here to do in this lifetime. It’s like waiting for my turn at a recital, but then not ever getting up to play my piece, but just sitting there waiting with the anxiety. My anxiety is gifting me with greater clarity on how fear is still holding me back. Fear of visibility. Fear of stepping up and being a leader and how that will open me up to the opinions and judgments of others. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of speaking my truth when it is not the mainstream view. Lots and lots of fears, which has kept me waiting in the wings, with my anxiety.

So as I have experienced over and over now, as soon as I can acknowledge a fear and look at it straight in the eye, the fear shrinks and my confidence grows. Because I know I am here in this lifetime to play a leadership role in the healing of humanity’s consciousness. I am here to reconnect humanity to the innate wisdom in our bodies, the natural world, and the universal Source. I have a soul contract to honor and I am a woman of my word and my honor.

For most of my life I’ve been very goal-oriented, living my life by achieving one goal after another. I’ve even approached my spiritual journey in this same way, believing that there is some end-destination to my path. This leaves me constantly striving for some elusive target, and sometimes impatient with not having reached it yet. Once I get there, then I’ll be content, I would tell myself, not even sure myself where or what there was.

I had a huge insight yesterday that there is no end to this journey I am on. It is a journey of continual becoming. Becoming more of who I truly am, which has no end, because we are infinite beings. I don’t have to attach myself too strongly with my current identity, or try and figure out who I am supposed to be. I just have to surrender to this ongoing process of becoming, while completely being present to my life unfolding. This insight gives me huge relief because I recognize how much my goal-orientation has gotten in the way of me relaxing into and enjoying my journey, which is more than half the point.

Lately, I have really been sitting with my relationship to my identity as a psychiatrist. It has taken me a long time to become a psychiatrist. But if I’m honest with myself, I know that the next leg of my journey of becoming will lead me away from the traditional role and title of a psychiatrist. Calling myself a spiritual psychiatrist and soul guide is one step in that direction. I don’t know exactly what that will look like yet, and that’s OK, because there is no end goal I am aiming for, there is no one static vision of myself that I need to achieve and maintain. I am surrendering to the process of each moment and each day being an opportunity for me to continue becoming more of who I am and what I am capable of. I have come to experience my journey as more of an expanding spiral rather than a linear path.

I had my eyes dilated this morning as part of my annual eye exam and I always forget how disoriented I feel afterwards with my vision partially impaired. I couldn’t read anything, or even look up directions on my phone to my next appointment. The experience reinforced how much I depend on my vision as part of my daily life. I also reflected on what it would be like to move through life with only part of my vision, how scared I would feel trying to navigate with one of my primary senses impaired. I would have to stick to well-known routines and paths, fearful of not being able to find my way around unchartered territory. I would probably be less willing to take risks or explore new areas.

Now, what if I told you that until you are reconnected to our own inner guidance system, it’s as if you are moving through your life with only limited visual acuity? You rely on the tangible cues in your physical environments to see what you can with our visual eyes, but you are cut off from a clearer and more expansive view of reality? I know this is where I might lose some of you who don’t believe in your “inner eye,” your “third eye,” or your “inner guidance system.” Or maybe you are unfamiliar with these terms, but are interested interested in learning more about what I am talking about.

As I gain increasing familiarity and confidence in “seeing” with my inner eye and listening to my own inner guidance system, it has become clearer to me that part of my soul purpose and soul contract is to share my direct experiences with others so that they may also learn how to reconnect with their own inner guidance. I have to move aside my fears and doubts of what others might think of me to share my truths so that we can all move forward as a collective out of our own limited visions of humanity. You don’t have to have 20/20 vision to see that how humans are currently living and carrying out our lives is not in alignment with the highest good for ourselves or our planet. That is why it is so essential for more people to reconnect to their higher selves through their inner guidance system. It will not only allow you to live into your greatest potential and soul purpose, but your individual awakening will shift the trajectory of the human collective and the future of our planet. I am actively living into the question of how to teach people to reconnect to their own inner guidance system so stay tuned, it’s coming….

I’ve been pretty vulnerable and transparent in my posts thus far, but this post feels especially vulnerable for me, which is a sign that it’s important for me to share. I have noticed that when I share my vulnerabilities, as scary as it is, the act of sharing itself releases its hold on me. So here goes. As I have been paying closer attention to my feelings, and giving them more space to arise without pushing them away, or filling the space with a distraction or task, I have gotten in touch with a deep feeling of loneliness. This is a hard one for me to acknowledge, but if I am honest with myself, I also know it is a familiar feeling for me. I can recall feelings of loneliness throughout my childhood and adult life, of always feeling on the outside, of not quite fitting in, or belonging to any particular group.

I am someone who longs for intimacy, and to know people as I wish to be known by others, deeply and authentically for who each of us is. I have always been more interested in what is going on inside someone rather than what is happening outside of them. I often encounter social interactions feeling like I can’t connect with people the way I want to. For a long time, I chalked this up to my own “social awkwardness” at cocktail-party type environments that require a lot of small-talk. But then I recognized that I desire to connect with people on a much deeper level beyond surface interactions. Most social gatherings aren’t the right container for this, or other people aren’t necessarily seeking the same level of intimacy. At some point, I drew back socially, rationalizing that I would rather spend time intimately with myself rather than superficially with others. Being a writer on a spiritual journey is a great excuse for spending a lot of time alone, as both endeavors do actually require lots of solitude.

This is where it gets tricky. Even though I genuinely do enjoy spending lots of time alone, my isolation and withdrawal creates loneliness and disconnection from others. We humans are social creatures who are meant to be in community and communion with others. My relationship to my social life, my desire for aloneness vs loneliness is a question I have not answered. Poet Rainer Maria Rilke encourages us to ““Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.” I am living into the question of how I can honor my individual sovereign alone-ness with my very real need and desire for deep intimate connection with others. I will keep showing up as my full authentic self, with my genuine desire to connect with others intimately and vulnerably. I will send that intention and desire into the universe and open my energetic field to attract those people and interactions to me.