The message that is coming through so strong right now is that the Universe not only has your back, the Universe loves you. What would it feel like to truly sink into that truth? I know for me personally, I’ve been resisting it all along. Love isn’t a feeling you can fake. You either feel it or you don’t. So when spiritual teachings and self-help books instructed me on practices of unconditional self love and acceptance, I went through the motions and exercises on faith that if I continued the practices, then one day I would truly feel it.
Today, while eating lunch outside in the sunshine, I was overwhelmed by an all-encompassing feeling of being held by the Universe. The Universe wanted me to feel how much it loves me, how much it always has loved me. The Universe loves me just for being me. There is nothing I need to do to earn or deserve this love because I was created out of love and love is my natural essence. We are all swimming in the current of the Universe’s ever-present, all-encompassing energy field of love, but we might not be awake to it or aware of it. But once we are, all we want to do is share that experience with others so that they can bask in it too. I am here to be an ambassador for the Universe’s love, a vessel to share that love with you. My message is simple. The Universe loves you. Keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it and then one day you will feel it.
It’s been awhile since I published a blog post while I have been experimenting with video media. Both serve a role and purpose and it’s been good to try out both modalities. Writing allows a different pacing of expression, an opportunity to articulate and capture ideas with a particular level of lasting precision. Videos are more fun and faster to make, there’s instant gratification and a spontaneous flow of ideas that I would be hard-pressed to repeat. But today I feel compelled to share through the written word.
I was at a children’s birthday party recently and started talking to one of the moms there. We both were physicians who are exploring ways to make our careers and offerings truly our own. I was telling her about the fears and limiting beliefs I still had about being a licensed physician wanting to expand more into the world of alternative and complementary modalities, specifically energy healing. I never quite know what to expect when I tell other people that. It can range anywhere from confusion to skepticism to curiosity to support and enthusiasm. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that day to find my deepest truths not only understood by this physician, but also encouraged. She recommended that I read Gabrielle Bernstein’s book “The Universe Has Your Back.” I picked up the book from the local library and again immediately felt a sense of relief from the words I found. Here was someone who was articulating on a very wide-scale way exactly what I had been personally experiencing, and she is a New York Times best-selling author and speaker (I admit this fact helps me overcome my own fears about speaking my truth. Just because I’m a physician doesn’t mean I can’t talk about spirituality and our connection to the One Source). Gabby Bernstein shares her own experience listening to her inner guidance, tuning into the intelligence and design of the Universe, and the fears and resistances we encounter to truly surrendering to that process. I felt like the words had been written exactly for me at this exact time in my journey. I smiled at the synchronicity of how the book even came to be in my hands. Clearly, the universe is looking out for me, sending me what I need exactly when I need it. My mission, if I choose to accept it, is to fully surrender to the process. Full surrender is quite scary. I’ve been surrendering, piece by piece, toehold by toehold, but I can’t lie to myself, I haven’t fully surrendered. I still have fear about truly surrendering. One thing that Gabby wrote that really struck me is when she said that fear is a sign that our egos still think that they are solely responsible for making things happen. My ego is still attached to my separate identity as someone who has to go out there to make things happen. If I can ask my ego to step aside and allow the spiritual, energetic being I am to be in flow with source energy, then I can truly surrender myself to the divine will of the Universe.
Recently, every time I go into meditation to ask my inner guidance what I need to do at this time, I get the same answer. There is nothing for me to do. Once I truly surrender to the flow of the universal energy, I will be guided exactly where I am meant to go. It’s like releasing something into the current of a creek or river, once it takes off, there’s nothing to do except hang on for the ride. I know I’m still scared, hanging onto the side of the river bank, already in the water but afraid to fully let go. Gabby encourages me to love my resistance, to honor it, to acknowledge it, not to force it to let go before it is ready, but to choose the vibration of love over fear, and to trust that my fear will be released when I am finally ready to release it. In my mind’s eye, I can already visualize what it will feel like when I finally let go. Back in October, the Universe told me to sign up to go on a 6 day river trip down the Green River through Desolation Canyon in Utah in June. The Universe already has my itinerary in place. I know this will be a transformative trip for me, when my mind, body and spirit will truly let go of my fears and flow with the river consciousness of my life. Until then, I have nothing to do besides continue to love my fears and trust that the Universe has my back.
I did it! I made some videos and I posted them on Facebook. I can’t post them here on this blog because I haven’t upgraded my website plan to the one where you have video upload abilities yet, but I wanted to share with all of you loyal blog followers my new vlog! I will be posting them on Facebook, so if you aren’t a Facebook fan, you can subscribe to my Youtube channel to check out new videos I make: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqBu9GQT0aWOue_rchKEalg?view_as=subscriber
Coordinating all of this technology stuff is not my forte, but I’m learning as I go along! Thanks for following me on my journey!!
I’ve gotten a kick in the butt from my higher guidance that it’s time for me to shift gears from all the inner work I’ve been doing to actually getting out there and doing the outer work of expressing my soul in the bigger world. This next step is a part of my soul’s evolution that can not be avoided unless I want to stall out my soul’s progression. Trust me, there’s a very strong part of me that does not want to go forward, that wants to convince myself that this amount of soul growth is enough, that I can just hang out here, that there’s no need to do the outer work of putting myself out there even more. But when you commit yourself to living a life led by your soul, you have to be honest with yourself, because ultimately you only have yourself and your soul to answer to. No one else can truly understand what your soul is whispering (or yelling) at you. No one else besides you is responsible for listening to your inner being and then deciding what to do about it.
Writing this blog was a stepping stone for outer work, and to be honest, it feels pretty easy now, which means it’s time for me to stretch myself. It’s time for me to make videos, put on live workshops, and craft my unique offering to the world. All of the stuff that I have been avoiding because it is exactly what scares me the most. There’s also a part of me that has been resisting the “business” side to outer work, telling me that marketing myself and asking people to pay me money for what I think is valuable is “selling out.” But my soul is telling me that’s not true, that’s just a limiting belief I have told myself to avoid the next stage of growth. My soul is abundant and expansive and it wants to reach a lot of people, to share love and healing. My soul wants me to believe in myself so fully so that I can help others believe in themselves that fully. My soul knows that I need to do the outer work and receive support and validation for that outer work for me to believe in myself at the next level, another test of initiation. My soul is asking me to trust myself to take another leap of faith, to prove to myself that I do have wings and I can fly. I’m envisioning myself right now standing back at the cliff’s edge. My body is tingling with nervous excitement. I can’t help but smile as my heart pounds away. I know I’m going to do it.
As I sit here today and reflect on the journey of my life and how it has led me to this exact moment in time right now, I can see all the ways I have been resisting my destiny. But the thing about destiny is, it can’t be resisted forever. The dictionary defines destiny as “the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.” We all have a destiny. We can resist it, up to a point. We can delay it, up to a point. But eventually, it will catch up to us, in this lifetime or the following ones.
In this particular lifetime, my inner being (that knows exactly what my destiny is) and my ego (what has been resisting it) have been dancing with each other ever since I was a young girl. As a child, I was bashful and shied away from too much attention, even though a part of me craved being seen and acknowledged for who I truly am. As I grew older, I consciously held myself back in many ways. I turned down the volume on what I wore, what I said, what I did, and the dreams I allowed myself to have. I recall telling myself over and over again that all I wanted was to have a “nice, quiet, small life with little stress.” I didn’t want to be ambitious or have grand plans. And yet, something else also kept pulling me forward, towards greater achievement and success. I always wanted to do less, but somehow always got called to do more. It wasn’t always external measures or pressures. I now know that the passion of my inner being has always been pulling me forward, divinely orchestrating my life. Even now, after I have unplugged from the matrix of external measures of success and achievement, something inside me is stirring to grow bigger again and shine my light in all its glory. I thought I had turned toward an inward life of soul to finally have that nice, quiet, small life I told myself I always wanted. But it’s not happening. I now have to admit and surrender to the truth that my soul has never had plans for me in this lifetime to play it small or have a quiet, unseen life. The deeper I dig into my soul, the bigger it wants to express itself, and I have reached a point where I now must stop resisting my soul’s desire to be as BIG as it truly is. My ego is still quite frightened by all this, but on some level, knows that this force greater than it can no longer be controlled.
I don’t clearly know what big plans my soul has in store for me, or how I will express it, but I have experienced the expansiveness of the energy of my soul when I tap into it. I will continue to trust my inner being to guide me step by step along the way. It has never failed me thus far. It has gotten me exactly where I am supposed to be. I am both scared and excited to see where we will go together, now that I am no longer resisting my destiny.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have spent a lot of time exploring and tending to my inner world. I feel very comfortable exploring internal landscapes. I could probably spend the rest of my life exploring internally. But recently, it has come to my attention that I might be hiding out in my internal world. It is so much easier for me to focus on my “inner work” than it is for me to take steps to put myself out there in the “outer world.” My higher guidance has been sending me messages that it is time for me to start putting myself out there in the world more than I currently am, to share with others what I have uncovered in myself and what we are all capable of. The enormous amount of fear and anxiety that I am experiencing with this mandate to become more expansive and visible, only confirms for me that it is indeed my shadow rearing its head and showing me where I am still holding myself back.
What is our shadow? Our shadow holds those unconscious hidden aspects of ourselves that hold our greatest fears and wounds, and our greatest gifts. They are in “the shadow” because our unconscious has done its very best to keep them completely out of our awareness. Those aspects of ourselves that we know about but just don’t like and suppress aren’t our shadow. Our shadow holds those parts of ourselves that have been waiting in the deepest, darkest recesses of our inner landscapes, wondering if they will ever be brought to the light. Many of us will go through our lives without uncovering even a fraction of our true identity and potential. I have made it my life mission to go looking under every stone in my inner world, but I still have fear about what I uncover, and what I will do with it. I am still in the process of integrating what I uncover in my shadow, but I know that it is time for me to start truly claiming my larger identity in service to myself and others.
I recently attended a gardening workshop at my local library. Even though I have tended to my inner garden for many seasons, I’m a novice at real gardening and have lots to learn. I increasingly find myself drawn to applying the laws of the natural world to explain human processes of healing, growth, and transformation. The workshop emphasized the importance of composting, that process of recycling the organic matter produced by the garden itself to produce a nutrient-rich substance that will nourish and feed a garden through its growing seasons. Composting is a man-made process that harnesses earth’s natural laws of decomposition. The deeper I dive into learning about compost and decomposition, the more I find myself fascinated by humus, that sweet, rich, dark part of the soil that emerges only after many, many cycles of decomposition. There is actually a distinction between compost and humus. Compost is decomposed organic matter that can be recycled back into a garden after several months or a year. But humus itself, is much more complicated than that. Humus is a complex substance that gardeners and scientists alike debate over. Scientists have not been able to determinate its exact shape, structure or quality; it is the product of decomposition, and yet a part of it never fully decomposes, allowing it to integrate into the structure of soil itself to provide the soil with its fertility and life-source.
The more I learn about humus, the more intrigued I become by this magical substance, and the more it sounds to me like the physical equivalent of the void, a similarly dark, amorphous, rich space from which all life came and to which all will return. The void is a mysterious and incredibly powerful creative space that uses all of the life experiences you’ve had up until now to feed the growth of something new. The void doesn’t exist in a specific physical location. You can’t get in your car and travel to the void. And yet, we all can access the void inside ourselves. The void is an energetic location we can travel to within ourselves to experience its expansive darkness and infinite potential. The void is not a place for the faint of heart or spirit. It’s sort of like a trip to outer space. It can be quite disorienting, you lose your bearings about which way is up or down, forward or backward. There are no familiar sign posts to guide you. But when we learn how to access the void and harness the potential of what lies there, we can create anything our hearts desire and imagine. Creating from the void is a process that can’t be rushed or forced. In fact, time loses all meaning in the void. Decomposition and creation have their own internal timelines, much like the inner alchemy that takes place within one’s own inner garden. Perhaps you can see, smell, or even feel that new version of yourself that is gestating in the void right now. It hasn’t come into physical form yet, but it’s in process.
“Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important, it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.” – John O’Donohue
Poets have a way of capturing the true essence of a matter, of really getting down to the core message without an excess of words. Simply put, your soul knows the way home to itself. Regardless of where you are in your life right now, whether you have a relationship with your soul or not, your soul holds the map of your life. But it is still up to you whether you seek the map, learn how to read its directions, and follow it or not. Following the path of your soul’s calling isn’t something you believe or have faith in just because someone else tells you it’s possible. Living by the direction of your soul is a direct experience that you get to try out. At first, it might take a leap of faith because you don’t have much practice with it yet. But over time, as you learn how to listen to what your soul is telling you, and you develop the courage to do what it asks of you, the wisdom of your soul proves itself to you over and over again.
Humans have a strong need to have things proven to them in the physical realm, with things that they can touch and see and feel. Stirrings of the heart and transcendent spiritual experiences are much less tangible to convey and communicate, but that does not make them any less real or valid. In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether you believe any one else’s experiences or not. What matters is you get to decide how you want to live your life, whether following something as nebulous sounding as your soul is the compass by which you want to lead your life. It very well might not be. But for me, there is no other way I want to live. I surrender to the divine mystery of my soul, which holds the accumulated wisdom and karma of all my past incarnations, and is now wanting to reveal itself to me, piece by piece. I trust my soul to know the rhythm of its own disclosure. I trust my soul will guide me to take action when necessary. And on a moment to moment basis, my soul and I deeply embrace each other’s company. I can feel my soul’s presence with me and inside me with every conscious breath I take and every quiet moment of gratitude and awe we share together. I have found my soul, and my soul and I are now one.
What leads you in your life? How do you decide where to invest your precious time, energy, and resources? Is it your head with all of its logic and planning? Is it external voices and conditions telling you what you should be doing? Is it fear of taking a risk that drives a need for security and sticking to the known? That’s exactly how I used to live my life. I would plan everything out in my head, take in what others and society expected of me, and let my fear and anxiety prevent me from exploring other options, even when I knew there was this other voice inside of me wanting to be heard and listened to.
I invite you to imagine a different way of leading your life. A way that taps into the deepest truths of who you are and that allows you to make decisions based on your own truths, something no one else can tell you besides yourself. Full disclosure, living life this way takes a lot of courage. A lot of going against the grain, resisting years of conditioning, constant trusting and surrendering, not being understood by others, even those closest to you, and of facing everything about yourself honestly, whether it’s uncomfortable, or you like it or not. But would I go back to the way I used to live? Absolutely not. Once you experience the freedom and liberation of living life in alignment with yourself, your own inner guidance, and the unfolding truth of your life, there is no other way to live. Going back would be like going back into a cage and turning the setting to auto-pilot.
At the core of this different way of living is having a direct experience of my own inner guidance system, a wisdom that has been safely stored inside me, just waiting for me to tap into it. Learning how to access this inner wisdom, trusting it over time, following where it leads me, and surrendering to it, is a skill that can be taught, learned and practiced until it just becomes the way you lead your life. Of course, fear, trauma, emotional suppression, social conditioning, doubt, skepticism, and not having the time and space to listen to yourself, are all obstacles to this way of living, but these are just lessons to be learned and mastered along the way. I am still in the early stages of living my life in this way on a daily basis, but I have noticed how differently I now approach decisions. I used to be terrible at making decisions. I would get so much anxiety about making the right decision, I would analyze to death the pros and cons of each choice, and then continue to second-guess myself even after I made the decision. Now that I know how to listen to my own inner guidance, decision making is almost effortless. I get out of my thinking mind, tune in to myself and what my body is telling me, and the choice becomes almost crystal clear. If the choice isn’t clear at the time, I am patient that it is not the right time to make the decision and just carry on until my inner guidance sends me a clearer signal. When my inner guidance tells me to do something, I still get anxious about taking action, but I do it anyway, knowing that there is a wisdom bigger than me guiding me, even if I don’t know what that outcome will lead to yet. Living this way makes me feel truly alive, open to the infinite possibilities of my constantly unfolding life. That’s exactly how I approach this blog. I don’t have a set agenda or schedule of what I want to write, or what the purpose or outcome of this will be. I just wait for inspiration to guide me when something wants to come through me. On that note, my inner guidance told me to make another meditation video last week around this topic, so here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLkPRL99wX4&t=7s
I recently experienced a powerful soul retrieval that I wanted to share with you all, especially those who may be unfamiliar with the concept. In her book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self, long-time shamanic practitioner, and my teacher, Sandra Ingerman, describes soul loss as such: “Whenever we experience trauma, a part of our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the experience by escaping the full impact of the pain.” Our souls are our vital essence, our life force, the unique amalgamation of all of our past lives combined with the mission we have agreed to fulfill in this current lifetime. When our souls are faced with a traumatic experience, which can range anywhere from an accident, a death, a loss, or the pain of being neglected or not seen, parts of our souls may temporarily leave us or go underground in an attempt to protect itself from further harm. When we experience soul loss, we may be susceptible to physical or emotional illness, or a perpetual feeling and experience of incompleteness and disconnection. In a soul retrieval, a shaman or other practitioner, enters an altered state of consciousness to access the spirit worlds to retrieve the fragmented parts of the soul to return them to the owner.
I have been studying shamanic practices for over a year now and have discovered that I have an innate ability to perform soul retrievals on myself and others, likely a skill acquired from a past life experience. So when the opportunity arises to do so in my own personal life or in my work with a client, I enter into an altered state of consciousness through meditation and my breath, and invite the fragmented parts of the soul to come forward and reveal themselves to me in my inner eye. Often times, it is a younger part of the person that steps forward. I then facilitate an encounter in this spiritual dimension between the fragmented part of the person and the current adult person, inviting the fragmented part to return to the adult self. I have done this multiple times on myself, retrieving lost or neglected parts of my natural essence, from as young as infancy age. For me personally, my soul fragments that I encounter initially appear neglected and sad for having been forgotten for so long. That was why I was caught completely off-guard and unprepared during this particular soul retrieval when I encountered a soul fragment of myself that had been absolutely beautifully and perfectly preserved. It was my 3 or 4 year old self, her eyes were shining bright, her face was glowing, and she was so full and secure of her own innate purity and goodness that it was striking. Sometimes it is the soul fragments that are hesitant to be retrieved and returned. This time, in my mind’s eye, it was hard for my adult body to acknowledge that this whole and beautiful little girl in front of her was really a part of her. My adult self had difficulty integrating this perfect little girl back into her current adult shell.
When I encounter resistance to integration of a soul fragment, I remain patient and allow my field of consciousness to guide me to the next step. This time, my intuition guided me to invite my adult self to enter into a foundry of liquid golden light where her adult form could be completely melted and dissolved, to be re-formed. Almost immediately, the resistance melted away. My adult self dissolved in the golden light, and re-emerged, cast in the shape of a beautiful winged angel. This form now no longer had any difficulty welcoming the beautiful little girl in front of her back inside her. The two forms merged and became one. In the physical dimension, my body twitched and jerked with the massive energetic release. When I opened my eyes again, I felt completely reborn. A long-lost part of me, a very young and pure part of me that was still completely connected to her own natural essence and absolute knowing of her own identity and wholeness, had finally been returned to me. My adult self could now fully acknowledge and receive her own unconditional self worth. It was a powerful shift that I am still integrating. A soul retrieval itself is a potent healing tool, but living from that state of wholeness is a constant choice and act of love and service to myself and others. An important effect from that soul retrieval is me fully owning who I am, which means continuing to speak my truth. I am trained as a psychiatrist, but I now know from personal experience that there are many other powerful healing modalities that I will play a role in bringing to the light. Because we all have a birthright to return to our own essential wholeness.
My Soul Journey 